Splendor Strategy and Revenge

“One day, I will beat you all. Beat you at your own game.”


This is the vow I made to myself when my ex left me at the most emotionally vulnerable point of my life, which was right after we had played this game for the last time with several former now-ex-friends of mine. I was understandably devastated for months about the breakup and the betrayal of my former cohorts. When I started coming out of my emotional coma, much like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, I had to relearn my skill set for dealing with the game – and my emotions – from the ground up.


For Splendor is simple in its mechanics but deep and rich in its complexity, and that takes time to master.

Upon opening my dusty treasure chest, I familiarized myself with the tools of the trade (which is a joke because you play as a merchant during the Renaissance era). Haha to me.

In the box there are six types of chips. Five represent precious gems and the remaining yellow one represents a joker token.

There are three decks of development cards that you will be purchasing throughout the game using said chips. On each card, you’ll see a color-coded number which tells you how many of each gem you need to acquire it. The deck with the most cards are the lowest tier and most affordable; the other decks are pricier and take more time to gather resources.

Because I didn’t want those snakes in the grass to know I was planning on spilling their blood later when they least expected it, I decided to train in secret using the Splendor app.

Everything is the same but in a digital format for a way cheaper price. I was sold!

You can play online or against an AI. The game can take up to four players at once, but I’m starting with one snake at a time which is very Kill Bill of me.


So in that spirit:

Ah, yes, Copperhead.

The app does a fantastic job of breaking down the styles of play.

Copperhead is what you call Basic. That isn’t a style of play; that’s just what I call Copperhead.

Their actual method is “Balanced” behavior. That means they’re playing pretty normally.

Here’s the rundown. Each turn a player gets to do one of these three actions: 1) collect chips 2) buy cards 3) reserve a card.

If you choose option 1 then you can take two chips from a stack of four chips or more and that’s it. Or you can take one of each from different stacks but no more than 3 altogether. So you can either collect 3 chips in one turn or 2 chips in one turn, but never both.

Once you’ve started that process you eventually buy development cards by exchanging for chips in the bank. They represent whatever gem is on the top right corner and count as one gem in your own account. So if you have three white (diamond) chips and one white development card, altogether you have four.

The beginning of the game is you buying these cards to make purchasing the more expensive ones that much easier. The way you get points are by purchasing the cards that have Prestige Points. The goal is to get 15 first. And Copperhead’s really easy to beat so that’s nothing to me.

See, your first instinct is to build up a machine of cards so that you don’t even need to pick up chips anymore.

Being less dependent on the chips is good but only if you have a strategy; you lose time ultimately if you try and build up a stock in each gem of the game.

That’s what Copperhead’s doing, and that’s why I got to 15 first.

And that’s why they’re crying about losing, because their kid could come home any second and see them like this. Oh well. As you leave, their body on the floor, you run into their cute, innocent child who’s just come home from school and you say to them:

“One day, you might want revenge on me too, and I’d understand that. But word to the wise: don’t try it with this game. At least not at first. Start with Monopoly.”

That was cathartic. Yay.


On to bigger snakes. Cottonmouth. Mmf.

This one had the definition of a tragic past but the greatest tragedy to befall them will be when they are at my feet groveling for mercy.

Cottonmouth’s tactics are identified by the app as Random behavior. This nut is all over the place and has no real strategy besides effing everyone else’s up. They’re not alone either: they have a bodyguard that seems to be a Balanced type player. Interesting.

Three players change how many chips are available for the game. Now that there’s more, options shift. You don’t have to wait as long to buy cards with Prestige points because you can collect more chips than before. I know what the bodyguard is aiming for on the board but not Cottonmouth because that fucker is just unpredictable.

In which case I do a lot of option number #3 on my turn: I reserve a card.

You can reserve up to three cards in the game. They can be face up on the table or from the stacks of cards themselves. For every card you reserve, IF THEY’RE AVAILABLE, you get one joker token.

Those are amazing because they can take the place of any other gem in the game. After I reserve a card I keep it face down and only I look at it. I reserve cards with enough points on them to win me the game, so that I don’t have to concern myself with what that loser is doing.

And make no mistake, they are a loser. Haha. By the end they look at me and go “What just happened?” and I go “Haha. Scalped ya, hun.”


Next is the California Mountain Snake.

Funnily enough they were wearing an eye patch when I tracked them down, but that’s because they had pink eye. Ew.

Anyway, they’re what you call an Opportunist. Once you’ve found your strengths in the game you get comfortable; you rely on stratagems like relying on blues and greens because they buy into each other more often.

But an Opportunist is someone who can always make the most out of what they have, even if their current plans are foiled by the likes of me. Which is why I’m frustrated right now because they’re invoking the last element of the game: Nobles.

When you’ve collected enough cards of certain gems, Nobles see how rich you are and flock to you with extra points. You have to meet their requirements, and when you do, they automatically go to you.

So I’m pissed because I’m stalling this snake from getting points that matter, but in the meantime they’re using that “opportunity” to collect cards that get them Nobles. I forgot about them and I really shouldn’t have.

That’s what makes winning so tough, but I still do it.

But it was hard. But I still won. But I broke a nail.

Fair is fair.

I win because my own strategy as Black Mamba is Secret Behavior. I’m constantly either reserving cards, stockpiling gems you need, or distracting you from the cards or Nobles I really want.

After I beat California they start crying and I go “Don’t do that, you’ll get the other one infected.” They flip me off, and I throw a chip right into the good eye.

Oops.

Before they can call the cops I leave (rather elated).


Finally, Bill. Oh Bill. I’m ready. See, a great master of Splendor blends all of these behaviors into a fabulous, vengeful angel. Bill is good. I’m good. This could take a while. But that’s for Volume II anyway, and no one needs to watch that one because it was worse.

So I’m going to try and deal with the last of my personal issues while dealing with board games, while you go on and play Splendor.

I hope I’ve taught you well.

See you in a sequel maybe.